Hero Clerks
by OptimusPrime217
Summary: A day in the life of Spider-man and Deadpool, the Hero Clerks of the Marvel Quick Stop.
1. Chapter 1

We open up to Spider-man being cornered by the Sinister Six which include Sandman, Electro, The Vulture, The Scorpion, Rhino, and The Lizard. They were all about to tackle him and put an end to his life until they all heard a ringtone of the Spider-man theme.

**Spider-man**: Could you guys hold on for a minute.

Spider-man reaches in his pockets and pulls out his cellphone while the villains look on bewildered.

**Spider-man**: Hello. Oh hey Deadpool how's everything going... wait what do you mean you need me to come in, it's my day off... But I'm fighting the Sinister Six here!... Well yeah I know the whole Super Human Registration Bullshit prevents me from fighting back but...sigh fine but this is the last time.

He hangs up and puts away

**Spider-man**: Sorry guys maybe you can kick my ass next time.

Spider-man swings away leaving behind six very confused registered super villains.

**Rhino**: So what now?

**It's short but it's just a prolouge. The rest of the story will be longer and hopefully funnier.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Marvel or any of the name's mentioned in this story.**


	2. Chapter 2

Spider-man walks into his workplace, the Marvel Quick Stop and gets to work. First he starts up the coffee pot and heats some more coffee. He then notices that the're no newspapers in the newspaper bin and so takes some change from the cash register and goes outside. He pays for the papers in the newspaper machine and takes whatever change is in the machine. He drops off the newspaper in the bin and goes behind the counter. Deadpool comes out of the bathroom

and also goes behind the counter and shakes his best friend's hand.

**Spider-man**: Hey dude. Well what's the emergency?

**Deadpool**: Emergency?

**Spider-man**: Yeah, you told me to come in because there was some kind of emergency.

**Deadpool**: Oh that, I lied.

**Spider-man**: WHAT!

**Deadpool**: I got bored so I called you here.

**Spider-man**: Dude I'm not even suppose to be here today!

**Deadpool**: Oh don't give me that, if I hadn't called you'd have gotten your ass kicked by a bunch of your old dumbass villains turned registered heroes. Besides would you've preferred it if we we're surrounded by customers barraging us with stupid questions?

**Spider-man**: Good point.

FLASHBACK

Spider-man is behind the counter while Dr. Doom is buying coffee. And Doom is not happy.

**Dr. Doom:** What do you mean there's no ice? You mean Doom has to drink this coffee hot!

Spider-man simply nods his head.

**Dr.Doom**: Doom shall not stand for this! Doom shall...

**Spider-man**: No Doom shall take his coffee, Doom shall pay the dollar for his coffee, and Doom will drink his coffee hot or Doom can go fuck himself.

**Dr. Doom**: You dare to talk to Doom that way! (while slamming his fist on the counter) Doom is powerful, Doom is mighty, Doom is...

**Spider-man**:... an egotistical, over-confident retard. Now pay for your damn coffee or fuck off!

Doom defeated, puts his money on the table.

**Dr. Doom**: (muttering) Stupid inferior spider creature.(Normal Tone) You will rue the day you back talk Doom. Go on rue, RUE!

**Spider-man**: No.

Doom walks out the door dejected but then sticks his head through the door.

**Dr. Doom**: Are you rueing yet?

**Spider-man**: GET OUT OF HERE!

Doom leaves and Spider-man goes back to buisness but then turns around when he hears banging on the window and sees Doom causing the noise.

**Dr. Doom**: Come on rue, rue, RUE DAMN IT!

Spidey simply closes the shutters.

**END FLASHBACK**

**Spider-man**: Guess your right, better to spend the day with my best friend then to spend it serving a bunch of assholes who I possibly caused food poisoning to by spitting in their food.

**Deadpool**: That's the spirit.

Spider-man then sees something at the door and gets pissed.

**Spider-man**: Hey no, no, no, no, no.

He and Deadpool go to the door to stop Superman and Batman from entering.

**Spider-man**: You guys aren't allowed in here.

**Superman**: Why not?

**Deadpool**: Can't you read Superdumbass.

Deadpool points to a sign that says "NO DC CHARACTERS ALLOWED".

**Superman**: But you have Hellboy, Spawn, and the Ninja Turtles in there.

**Spider-man**: No DC characters stupid, that's Dark Horse, Image, and Mirage in there.

**Batman**: This wouldn't have to do with the bitterness of your movies would it. Or the bitterness that nobody knows who you are because you hardly made any appearances outside of your comics.

**Spider-man**: Hey asshole my movies made 10 times the amount of your movies.

**Batman**: And everyone wanted their money back after the third one.

**Spider-man**: Yeah, well at least our video games are successful.

**Deadpool**: How can you sleep at night knowing that Superman 64 is still out there.

**Batman**: Let's go Superman, I've got better things to do in my lifetime then waste it arguing with 2 assholes who've fallen from grace.

**Spider-man**: Yeah well if we ever see your faces around here again we're gonna send Carnage on you and he'll be wearing kryptonite.

Batman and Superman walk away. When they're gone Deadpool bends over and picks up a pair of keys that have a bat logo key chain on it.

**Deadpool**:(whispering) Batman you dropped your keys.

The 2 clerks high-five and walk back into the store.


	3. Chapter 3

Spider-man's talking on the phone.

**Spider-man**: Really... all yesterday... well I'll see what I can do.

He hangs up and Deadpool comes up next to him.

**Deadpool**: What's going on?

**Spider-man**: Captain America's dead and his wake's today.

**Deadpool**: Dude we gotta go.

**Spider-man**: Why would I want to go to an event full of people who hate me? Besides you hate people and I hate people.

**Deadpool**: But I love gatherings, isn't that ironic.

**Spider-man**: But who's going to watch over the store?

**Deadpool**: Who's going to come to a convinience store on the most important day in American history? Look we go, we hang out, and then leave. Besides...

Deadpool takes out the bat car keys.

**Deadpool**: We got a new car.

**Spider-man**: Guess you're right.

They lock up the store and go to a back alley where the tumbler is parked.

**Spider-man**: THE TUMBLER!

**Deadpool**: Yep and it's all ours.

Before they can get in their new car, Batman comes out of no where.

**Batman**: I KNEW IT!

**Spider-man**: Batman?

**Batman**: You're damn right! I knew you bastards were the ones who stole my keys when I couldn't find them. Now hand them over.

**Deadpool**: Hey what did we tell you?

**Spider-man**: Carnage sic'em.

Carnage comes out and jumps Batman and starts to shred him to pieces. As Batman's screaming in pain Spidey and Deadpool just stare indifferently.

**Deadpool**: I think we should go.

**Spider-man**: Yeah, thanks Carnage.

Carnage gives them a thumb up while he has Batman's head and spine in his mouth.

**Later on the road**

Spider-man's driving the tumbler while Deadpool's in the driver's seat.

**Spider-man**: Getting shot in the back of the head on his way to court. Is there any more embarassing way to die?

**Deadpool**: There's the way my uncle Bill died.

**Spider-man**: How'd he die?

**Deadpool**: He broke his neck trying to suck his own dick.

**Spider-man**: Wait a minute you don't have an uncle Bill. You don't even have a family.

**Deadpool**: I do have a family. It's just that everyone but my nephew is afraid of me.

**At the Funeral Home**

Deadpool and Spider-man enter the funeral home and see everyone there. Spider-man notices Sindel from "Mortal Kombat" crying over Captain America's casket.

**Spider-man**: Isn't that Sindel from MK.

**Deadpool**: Yeah, I heard that she and Cap once did the nasty.

**Spider-man**: I don't remember that ever happening.

**Deadpool**: It happend in the mind of the dude who wrote this crap. Ooooo, Christian death cards.

Deadpool goes over to the table and picks up a deck of cards.

**Deadpool**: They're cards they give out at wakes. They have pictures of historical heroes and underneath them there's a little quote about death. Let's see Noah's Ark got it, Moses need it, Jesus with Judas got it...

Deadpool starts to go through the cards.

**Deadpool**: Got it, got it, need it, got it, need it, need it, got it...

Spider-woman comes up next to Spider-man.

**Spider-woman**: Hey Spidey.

**Spider-man**: Hey how're you doing.

**Spider-woman**: It's a real shame.

**Spider-man**: Yeah I know. It's not everyday where you see someone take responsibility for their action.

**Spider-woman**: Yeah. Oh God what's he doing here.

She points at Deadpool who's still rummaging through the cards.

**Spider-man**: He's with me.

**Spider-woman**: God I hate that guy.

**Spider-man**: Meh, he's a really nice guy once you get to know him. Besides he made me the man I am today.

**Spider-woman**: A man who cures his depression by insulting others and not caring about the world.

**Spider-man**: Nothing wrong with that.

Deadpool comes up to the duo.

**Deadpool**: Dude you should see some of these cards. I never knew there were so many dead people. Hey Spider-pussy.

Spider-woman not amused by Deadpool's nickname to her walks away.

**Spider-woman**: Burn in hell poolboy.

The two store clerks get in line.

**Deadpool**: Don't we have to express regret to the family first.

**Spider-man**: Oh what family does he have?

**Deadpool**: So how do you know your female counterpart?

**Spider-man**: We were... together once.

**Deadpool**: Get out of here! How?

**Spider-man**: It was during the whole "Civil War" thing, we were alone, I was depressed and she well... comforted me.

**Deadpool**: Comforted how.

**Spider-man**: What do you mean?

**Deadpool**: Well were you fucking, butt-fucking, 69, fucking with another animal, 2 superheoes-one cup, what?

**Spider-man**: No you sick bastard. sigh We started talking, then the next thing I know we're kissing, then she's got her costume and panties off one leg. I'm working the nipples and kiss the belly button, then jackpot. So I'm eating her out and she's got her legs wrapped around my head. But before I even finish Iron Man and his Super Human Registration Nazi's bust down the door.

**Deadpool**: Holy Shit!

**Spider-man**: That's not the worst part. A few weeks after that, my wife comes in with photos of what happend and she shoves divorce papers in my face. And it turned out she was cheating on me.

**Deadpool**: Bummer.

They then reach Captain America's casket.

**Spider-man**: Weird.

**Deadpool**: What is it.

**Spider-man**: I'd never expect Cap to be buried in his costume.

**Deadpool**: They did the same thing with Superdick when he was playing possum.

**Spider-man**: Good point. I'm gonna pray now.

Spider-man kneels in front of the casket.

**Deadpool**: Well I'm not into the whole praying thing, can I have the keys so I could listen to the radio?

**Spider-man**: Sure.

He tosses the keys to Deadpool. As the keys fly towards his hand they instead bounce off and land in the worst place, inside Captain America's pants.

**Spider-man**: You asshole.

**Deadpool**: What?

**Spider-man**: You couldn't just catch the fucking keys.

**Deadpool**: It's okay just get the undertaker.

**Spider-man**: Screw that, you get them!

**Deadpool**: I'm not touching that terminal scrotum.

**Spider-man**: Oh yes you are. Now nobody's looking, I take the left side you take the right.

The 2 clerks reluctantly reach inside the corpse's pants. They start feeling around until Deadpool finds something.

**Deadpool**: Hey I think I found them.

He starts to pull.

**Deadpool**: They won't budge.

**Spider-man**: I'll help you.

Spidey puts his hand where Deadpool's is and they both start to pull. But as they pull, Deadpool's foot goes near one of the casket's support beams and knocks it away. The next thing they know they're on the floor with the casket and body and they still have their hands in Cap's pants as the keys fly out of them and lands in Deadpool's hand.

**Deadpool**: So wait, we weren't pulling on our keys?

All the heroes in the home are looking pissed at the 2 clerks

**She-Hulk**: They're trying to molest that corpse!

**Colossus**: Let us get them!

**Spider-man**: Run.

They start running and are being chased by all the heroes at the wake. As they run out the door, Deadpool stops to talk to Princess Kitana.

**Deadpool**: Hey can my best friend have your number?

As Deadpool's writing down the number, Spider-man shoots a web towards his best friend.

**Spider-man:** **GET OVER HERE!**

Deadpool's yanked towards Spidey and they run towards their car and jump in with Deadpool in the driver's seat.

**Spider-man**: Let's get out of here, what're you waiting for?

**Deadpool**: The car won't start.

The heroes from the wake start to surround the tumbler and are trying to get to the heroes inside.

**Spider-man**: You moron just start the thrusters!

Spider-man presses a button which send the tumbler sky-rocketing away at the speed of light. While this happens the hero clerks are screaming as their faces are being stretched and they're pushed into their seats.

**Deadpool**: What've you done? My brains are going into my buttocks!

Different colors are flashing before their eyes.

**Spider-man**: Must...Stop.

**Deadpool**: We...can't stop it's too dangerous we have to slow down first.

**Spider-man**: Bull...shit now stop this thing I order you STOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Deadpool presses the stop button and the 2 former heroes are ripped from their seatbelts and launched from their seats through the glass windshield of the tumbler and land face first in front of the Marvel Quick Stop.

**Spider-man**: We made it.

**Deadpool**: Yeah...by the way I got you that Kitana chicks phone number.

**Spider-man**: That's nice...how about a 5 minute break before we go back in.

**Deadpool**: Good plan.

They both pass out.


	4. Chapter 4

Spider-man and Deadpool are back behind the counter and Spidey takes a quick look at his watch.

**Spider-man**: Well it's 7:30. What do you want for dinner?

**Deadpool**: Go check out the White Castle I'm in the mood for some of those little burgers.

**Spider-man**: You got it.

Spider-man leaves and Deadpool goes about minding his own buisness. Then the Hulk, wearing full length pants and a black tank top comes.

**Hulk**: Hey, how's it going?

**Deadpool**: Hulk, what're you doing here?

**Hulk**: I was just walking around and I was wondering, could I use your bathroom?

**Deadpool**: Sorry Eric Bana but we remember the last time we let you use our bathroom. Plus there's a rule set up since last time.

Deadpool points to a sign with a picture of the Hulk that says **"DO NOT LET USE BATHROOM"**.

**Hulk**: But it's okay, I'm the Professor Hulk, I have the intelligence of Bruce Banner.

**Deadpool**: Oh, well...

Deadpool begins to think for about 2 seconds.

**Deadpool**: Meh, I guess it's okay. Go on ahead.

The Hulk goes to the bathroom. A few minutes after that Spider-man comes in with the bags of food.

**Spider-man**: Dinner is served man.

Spider-man hears the sounds of nuclear bombs coming out of the bathroom.

**Spider-man**: What's going on in their? Sounds like there's a nuclear war going on in there.

**Deadpool**: The Hulk's in there.

**Spider-man**: WHAT! Deadpool you know what happens when the Hulk uses any bathrooom!

**Deadpool**: Don't worry man, this Hulk has the mind of Bruce Banner.

**Spider-man**: Does that change anything physical about him.

Deadpool thinks for exactly one second.

**Deadpool**: No, but he'll probably fix his mess.

The Hulk comes out of the bathroom but his wardrobe is different. His pants and tank top are ripped.

**Spider-man**: Do you really have the mind of Bruce Banner?

**Hulk**: Hulk no understand puny Spider thing.

Spider-man gives Deadpool a glare as the Hulk leaves. They both then notice that there's a green glow coming from the bathroom.

**Deadpool**: What's going on in there?

**Spider-man**: Maybe you should go check it out.

**Deadpool**: Why?

**Spider-man**: BECAUSE YOUR DUMBASS LET THE HULK IN THERE IN THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE!

Deadpool cringes at Spidey's outburst. They both go up to the bathroom's door and see the broken the toilet's broken.

**Deadpool**: Dude the porcelain's cracked.

**Spider-man**: No shit dumbass, you go in first.

**Deadpool**: Why me?

**Spider-man**: Do you want me to yell at you again?

Deadpool, getting the point, goes into the bathroom with Spider-man following behind. Deadpool takes out one of his katana's from his back and uses it to lift up the toilet seat to reveal the horror which was left inside. Their screams are so loud that they're heard across the town. Hearing this, Daredevil sticks his head out of his apartment window.

**Daredevil**: Shut up down there!


	5. Chapter 5

**2 and a half hours later.**

Deadpool is using a plunger to unclog the monster left behind by Hulk. After all this time the toilet is finally unclogged.

**Deadpool**: Well there goes 2 and a half hours of my dignity that I'll never get back again.

**Spider-man**: And this is an addition to a lifetime of dignity that I'll never get back in my life.

**Deadpool**: Dude I said I was sorry.

**Spider-man**: I don't give a shit!

They both walk back to the counter.

**Spider-man**: This whole fucking day has been a goddamn catastrophe. First I come in when I'm not even suppose to, then I accused of being a necrophile at the funeral of America's poster boy, I'm shot out of a fucking window and pass out at the front door, and I just saw the aftermath of a mini Hiroshima! This is all another reminder of how my life suck!

**Off screen voice**: AHEM!

The 2 clerks lift up their heads to see their friend the Silver Surfer buying a mountain of chips and candy.

**Silver Surfer**: Excuse me your life sucks? I'd switch places with you in a fucking heartbeat but I'm stuck serving Galactus' lazy ass. Helping him find planets was one thing but life for me has been Hell ever since someone introduced him to junk food.

**FLASHBACK**

Silver Surfer on his surfboard is floating next to Galactus who has grown fat ever since the time he was introduced to junk food. Not only that but instead of his usual armor, he's wearing a robe over a dirty tank top and blue and pink boxers. His ship now has a folding chair and tv and he's eating a box of mini muffins.

**Galactus**: Galactus loves chocalate...but he can't eat it or else he'll get fat. But it's SOOOOOO good.

Galactus finishes the box of mini muffins.

**Galactus**: Now go my Silver Surfer. Soon the hunger of Galactus shall return!

**Silver Surfer**: You just ate a box of mini muffins.

**Galactus**: Do not...question...the almighty...

Galactus falls asleep and the Surfer flies away.

**END FLASHBACK**

**Silver Surfer**: So next time don't go around complaining about your life until you've faced the suffering of others.

The shocked duo ring the Surfer up.

**Spider-man**: Thanks... that'll be 64.95.

The Surfer takes his food and begins to leave.

**Deadpool**: Wait, Surfer can you tell Galactus to watch where he farts, I think his gas is getting too close to the sun.

**Spider-man**: Yeah and I think his burps are what's causing Global Warming.

**Silver Surfer**: Will do.

He phases through the roof and leaves.

**Spider-man**: You know he's right. Compared to him I have a pretty good life. Sure I had a better life back then with money and a wife but hell dude if it weren't for you teaching me to stop giving a fuck, I'd have killed myself a long time ago. I'm sorry for giving you hell today Deadpool.

**Deadpool**: Eh it's okay man.

The two friends share a friendly hug. However their friendly moment was destroyed by the chime of the door opening.

**Off-screen voice**: FAGS!

They pull away from their hug and turn to see the towns worst nightmare...VENOM! Spider-man smacks himself in the face.

**Spider-man**: Oh no.

**Venom**: Oh yes pussy.

**Deadpool**: What's going on here?

**Spider-man**: You mean you've never heard the story of how after the symbiote seperated from Brock and got his own physical form?

**Deadpool**: No.

**Spider-man**: After that happend he sued me for all the money I made from the movies because of his appearance in Spider-man 3.

**Venom**: That's right pussy and all thanks to your money I'm now a rich and sucessful symbiote with women at my feet 24/7! Whether they want to or not.

**Spider-man**: Listen asshole, the only reason you got rich and sucessful is because you had a bunch of crocodile tears to convince the jury of your little sob story!

**Venom**: Yeah well I'm still better than you Parker. At least I'm not wasting my life away spitting at other food, I just poison them or outright kill the fuckers.

**Spider-man**: Mother fucker get out!

**Venom**: Make me you little wuss!

Venom pushes Spider-man. After that Spidey loses all patience and lunges at his enemy but Venom grabs him and starts slamming his head against the floor drawing blood. After that's done Venom grabs Spider-man by the neck and holds him against the wall choking him.

**Venom**: Die you little prick!

**Deadpool**: Don't worry bro, I'll save you!

Deadpool takes out his AK-47, fires and poses proudly with his eyes closed.

**Spider-man**: Deadpool...

He opens his eyes to see that the bullet went through Venom and hit Spider-man in the stomach. Venom drops Spider-man's body and kicks it.

**Venom**: Burn in Hell you little dick.

Venom leaves and Deadpool goes over to his friend and cradles his head in his lap.

**Spider-man**: Deadpool... I just want you...to know...you're a good friend but you suck at shooting.

Spider-man's eyes close.

**Deadpool**: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Spider-man**: Hey Deadpool you wanna close up early and go see a flick.

Deadpool stops his screaming to see that his best friend is fine and healthy.

**Deadpool**: Spidey y-y-you're alive.

**Spider-man**: Of course I am numb-nuts. I'm Marvel's poster boy, do you really think they'll kill me off?

**Deadpool**: Well I heard this thing was a non-cannon fanfiction.

**Spider-man**: Rhetorical question genius now come on let's go out and enjoy our lives.

They both stand up.

**Deadpool**: Shouldn't we clean the store first?

**Spider-man**: We'll handle it in the morning.

**Deadpool**: My thoughts exactly.

They close up the store and walk down the street towards the movie theatre.

**Spider-man**: You know I'm actually looking foward to going to work tomorrow.

**Deadpool**: Yeah...hey you think this'll get a sequel.

**Spider-man**: What Wall-e?

**Deadpool**: No a-hole the fanfiction.

**Spider-man**: Meh depends on reviews.

The Hero Clerks walk away not worrying about the problems of others. Specifically all the hereos who're outside the Marvel Quick Stop banging on the windows wanting to get in.

**Iron Man**:(drunk) Come on'sh I need more beer!

**THE END**

**I just want to give a big shout out to Captain Deadpool for all his reviews. It's because of your love for this story that I continued it. Now if this didn't end the way you wanted it to, don't worry they'll be a few sequels and one shots and I'll get to them as soon as I can.**


End file.
